Saturday, June 20, 2009
Thursday, June 04, 2009
Karma's well-deserved judgement
the only one that i thought i could talk to
told me last night that it was all an effort to fuck me.
and since i will no longer sleep with him, he will no longer make the attempt.
another day, another wasted lay.
"you would be perfect if you didn't have a child".
"the only thing stopping me from sweeping you away is your son"
"come on, we barely knew each other"
"don't you think you're being a little melodramatic? we had a mutual lust, that is all".
i knew, i saw, i predicted, i went back, overfed my curiousity, and now i'm bitching about my painful bloated aftermath.
it's just--to share means so much. to assume i was heard--fuck, to get honest and helpful feedback that assisted and boosted and discouraged negativity...
listen more carefully--he told me from the beginning that there is no such thing as male and female friendship, just a man holding out hope for a chance to get laid. his level of attraction is what causes him to display more or less attention.
i thought i'd made a friend. this isn't some tragic broken hearted rant of unrequited bullshit. this is pure incredulity that i thought i made a friend and didn't make much more than an intellectual and well-read fuck buddy.
i thought i had a friend. now i just feel stupid.
Wednesday, May 20, 2009
Please Excuse Our Progress!
... is there anything more obnoxious than that pretentious sign, meant to patronize anyone who dares complain about a building's renovations?
i think not.
because I have been called pretentious, obnoxious, and patronizing, I cannot help but embrace the terminology and spew it back at you.
I have not updated this blog in years. Indeed, the closing entry (The 6th and Final Seed), a poem written for me years ago by the First was meant to be the final chapter of this blog.
However, I find myself missing my blogdrive fans. Since deleting skarletchronicles I've lost a huge fanbase. I hope to get some of you back--a few of you have found me on myspace and been (doubtless) disappointed by my lack of entries. I appreciate the handful of you that found me and emailed to tell me you'd been a reader. When I closed skarletchronicles I had amassed well over 1 million unique hits.
I have retained one friendship from my blogdrive days... anyone remember darbycrash? Aaron? we linked to each other for years and maintain a friendship to this day. Nope, still haven't met.
In the years since blogdrive I've gone through huge changes. Obviously the fucked-up-mess chapter has ended--my First, if you've read, chose the gay lifestyle. He is now HIV+. I hold no more bitterness toward him, and no love either. He's a huge part of my history but history all the same. I have to add one jab though--if you read through the original posts of this blog, all the things I wrote while hurting, all the things I thought but never acted upon, relying on Karma to do as she was wont to do... well, the HIV diagnosis was certainly the ultimate Karmic backlash. I certainly NEVER wished death on Davey. Hell, I just wanted him to lose his ability to take photos. Obviously Karma knows more than I do, and for old time's sake let's recite together: Karma's a bitch. I speak to Davey about once a month--I haven't seen him since Christmas, when he took photos of Talon for me. He is techinically married now, though his husband is in prison for murdering someone.
Have I mentioned how relieved I am to be away from that lifestyle, where cavorting with murderers and dealers was quid pro quo?
I've had a baby since blogdrive. Yes, charity, girl-turned-woman-turned-mother who hated children is a mommy. My son is Talon Nicolai, born September 24th 2008. Nothing has changed, I still don't like other people's children, but I am fiercely devoted to my son. His father... well, it's not important. he hasn't existed since Talon was about 4 months old. my only regret is my lack of child support.
I am single. I went through a brief phase where I was dating (see: juggling) several first dates a week (thanks okcupid) but it was exhausting and left me feeling duplicitious and deceitful, though I wasn't sleeping with any of them. My personality only needs, only WANTS one person at a time--but I want that entire person, shameful flaws, embarrassing idiosyncrysies, anything to devolve them to human level. i want to know everything, and I expect a certain amount of candidacy when getting to know someone. i treat 'mysterious brooding silence' as a suspicious flaw to be avoided. Show me that you're human! Be an open, honest, aware individual, completely aware of your flaws and even openly admitting to how you compensate for them. I am a stammering klutz who is scared of everything. My loyalty is unending--you can fail miserably at everything except stepping up as a man and I'll trust you implicitly.
At this point I have 'broken up' with OKC and maintain less than a handful of connections to a few people i met and got to know.
Some things have not changed, however. The never-ending cycle of wanting the most unavailable continues, though my patience for silence is decidedly thin. I finally got over the majority of my feelings for one after several confrontations based on suspicions fertilized by silence. a man I respect very much summed it up the other day very well: "if they're silent, they're plotting something". I am not quite that paranoid, I don't think it's a matter of plotting--just a matter of secrecy or disinterest. Shrug, i finally got over my jealousy after spending several days stewing in outrage over an assumption that proved premature and completely false. i felt silly after learning how far off my suspicions were, but also relieved--I had broken my infatuation and could now hang out with this person on a 'friend' level, sans the 'in crush' feelings that tend to evolve to 'malcontent, suspicious, and possessive'.
I have good friends, i look no further than that. those that seek a more permanent placement (or a more physical attachment) need to show an interest in my son--i've only met one who was interested in meeting Talon, which isn't surprising for men in their 20's. most men seem to consider him a kind of pet, and reassure me that my having a child doesn't 'change me' in their eyes. too bad it's not all about me.
OKay it's fucking LATE.
please excuse my progress.
Saturday, May 05, 2007
the sixth and final seed
By David Jahaziel Torres
every night you come to me, my immortal fantasy
i suppress reality just to gaze into your eyes
"yet love suggests insanity, so continue on in your disguise!"
yet all i do is close my eyes
and you hold out your arms to me again
you now are my love and not just my friend
yet i know you arent her, i'm only dreaming
crumple this paper--wait, i'm still dreaming
how funny it seems, as my movie rolls on
convincing myself that you aren't really gone
for my fear has come reality... and reality i escape
i dont want to come back as destruction is my fate
i soar so high, i leave my hate
i give my heart to those who take
and as it seems it's all ok... i crash into reality
and all i find is me, amongst the creatures that follow me
i crave pure love as i live in hate
the zombies wish i could stay away
from the sky so high, they know i'll fall
they come to my rescue each time i call
the darkness invites me and holds me at night...
still i cant ignore the sound of the sweet angel's harp
it lures me, ensures me, it tears out my heart
so enraged are the zombies as i whisper your name
they feel abandoned--i feel the same
still... love is unconditional as i lay here alive
the zombies want nothing more than to die
the Angel of Death-- he holds out his hand
"Only death can understand,"
he says, "listen to your heart when you cry"
i fall apart and i still dont know why
there's no where else to go, sweet angel of mine...
these words cannot come when i am alone
for they are with you, and to you they are shown
i wish i knew how to separate me and you
but it seems you are i, and darling, i am you
except you are flying high and i am so low
to see that the zombies don't touch you whenever you go
forgive me, my love, here i shall try
to explain how i wonder the day you will die
if death brings us certainty, as certain as Love
i shall burn in hell as you fly above
forgive me, this zombie... that can never
touch an angel of beauty
an angel of such ignorant bliss, so young and so free
while i'm chained to my heart, addicted to beauty
for beautiful you are, or you used to be...
now you only torment my reality
oh the things i have sacrificed to hide in your light
to hide from the demons who deliver my fright
but now the dark side has taken me
yet i still risk my life to escape to this fantasy
the wages of sin will always be death
i sin as i hate, i hate with my breath
has God forsaken the angry?
can he not reach where there is hate?
for strong is my heart, so weak is my faith
so much i want love, so much i have hate
i pray you never feel love as deep as i do
for as high as i fly is as low as my doom
i swore that no other would do what you do
oh the pain that i bear just to say this to you!
as my pride is nonexistent and i am not ashamed
to shout from the mountains your beautiful name
very little is real so fantasy i implore
for the beauty of your reality is beauty no more
it seems i have given you the best of me
i cannot take it back, though i need it desperately
dear love it seems i'm not good for your health
im lost in you and you're lost in yourself
so here i open wide the gate
i crawl back into my circle of hate
for love and I--we cannot mix
this is something only you can fix
shall i continue to dream from my state?
to chase colorful visions and fall back into my fate?
frm pain and hurt and desolate rhymes
i want to change but i cannot control my mind
and i am not sure of the concept of time
of here and there, or anywhere
the physical realm
where young people like me, they don't fear their hell
they live and have fun, they enjoy their youth
where they are not haunted by the voices of truth
they live as like should, as much as life could
i'm eager for the next life because this one's no good
is it God or Man that laughs at me?
these voices so clear, my catastrophe
and all i want, Dear Love, is dear love itself
this is where I dream, I torture myself
and... when all is gone... i still see your eyes...
as my only happiness, still holding her disguise
Sunday, March 04, 2007
the crudely-traced replica
from this day forward, i will stop following my heart and start following my instincts. every time my instinct screams "RUN! IT'S GONNA HURT! THIS ISN'T WHAT YOU THINK! RUN!!!" i ignore it and instead, believe in hope.
then i wonder why i get hurt. play with fire you're gonna get burned.
i need to stop wasting my time and getting my hopes up over these little boys. they never seem to follow through. i keep waking up alone wondering why it's so cold. it's been a long time since i woke myself reaching for the familiar warmth of a body next to mine. last night i awoke to my arm reaching.
when will my heart get the memo that there is nobody there, there was never really anyone there? when i saw Regina Spektor's music video for 'Fidelity' while checked into Spring Valley Treatment, i had to laugh. because yeah... it's as if i was in a relationship with an imaginary person, in love with a Mr. Nobody that never existed in the world of reality, just maintained attendance in my own little apartment universe.
i tried to turn him into this idealistic version of who he could be. i watched helplessly as he shrugged his shoulders, closed those dark eyes, and shuffled away without a single drop of pride, dignity, perspective, satisfation, or even a sense of "this is who i really am, this is who i was meant to be".
i could still retain an ounce of warmth in my heart for him if i knew he was where he belonged... even if that turned out to be in the arms of another. but i know he is not happy. i know he is still lost. i know he is hurting. i know he is lonely. i know he is confused and doesn't know what to do next. and i know he is punishing himself for the choice that he made, the doors that he shut, the lost plans that he made, and the hearts that he broke... both mine and (when he realizes it) his own.
the crudely-traced replica of himself he has become bears so little resemblance to the Davey i loved for so long. i feel like i never really knew him at all... yet i know that i know him better than anyone else ever will. i knew him as a child, as a friend, as a lover, as a soulmate. inside and out, and even when i had lost everything in my blind pursuit of happiness with him, i still held onto my ill-placed respect for him as a person. he was never my puppet, my plaything, my pet. i saw him as an equal... a lazy equal, but still an equal.
to the one that replaced me: you'll never know anything until you know everything... and you'll never know everything until you know why. unfortunately i dont think you want to Know, i think you just want to Have. i pity you... Having means absolutely nothing in the grand scheme of things, it is Knowing that brings out all that is incredible about him.
my hope is that someday he has reason to be incredible again. til then he is but a shadow of his former existence, a crudely-traced replica drawn by the hand of a friend-of-a-friend. he could have been a masterpiece.
"When All of Your Wishes are Granted, Many of Your Dreams Shall Be Destroyed"
Wednesday, February 28, 2007
stop torturing her with thoughts of a man not meant for her.
i've neglected this blog so much in the recent weeks. i've been writing on my myspace blog. i didnt want to fill these pages with more woe-is-me behavior.
again im left wondering if i am just crazy. if my judgement is that far off. if i am obsessive and just lonely. or if there's a real reason for me to feel so confused about ira. everything seemed to match up. in this moment i swear i feel a whispered reassurance from God that i must be patient, his explanation is coming. but i have been so very very wrong in the past, God. how do i know anything. all i know is what my soul is telling me, and i am so confused trying to figure out if i'm chasing a memory that shouldnt exist or if what i'm feeling is very very real.
if it turns out this was all one big learning experience, how do i learn to ignore what my heart tells me? what's wrong with me, what is broken that makes me believe i found Someone when i only just met him and he's been gone from my life for several weeks now?
i need to read that relationship book He's Just Not That Into You. then i need to go through some kind of therapy to fix my reaching, seeking heart.
every time i see headlights approaching from my bedroom window, i cant help but peek outside... hating myself for setting myself up for a fall. a car door slams, i glance out.
why does he matter, God. why can't i put him out of my mind, my life, my memory. i've done it so many times in the past. i am the queen of denial. what is wrong with me? my favorite defense mechanism is broken, i can no longer deny the things that hurt.
God please explain this phenomenon or put it away and stop nudging my heart. stop. i dont know why you keep nudging my heart when he doesnt want me as a friend or acquaintance or anything at all but a memory. God, it hurts to be so confused and unsure. heal this young woman's confused broken mind and stop torturing her with thoughts of a man not meant for her.
isn't it strange how you can meet someone and know immediately that this person isn't just sombody, but Somebody?
i miss ira. i dont know why or how he had such an impact on me, but he left this impression that i cant seem to shake. i regret everything so much because i know that he was meant to be Somebody important. im not talking about anything romantic and i wish everyone could understand that. there was a chance to have such an amazing friendship there. i needed that so much. i still need it.
i dont know what happened or how it happened, all i know is the end result: he has moved on to change more lives. so im trying to get back to the place where i change lives and help people but none of it even feels real.
i could talk to him. online, in emails, i could talk to him. that is such a rare and precious thing.
God what are you doing here? what is the purpose behind this? please explain your reasoning in this situation. why would you dangle that before my eyes then snatch it away when i reached for it?
i could have talked to someone, God. someone who believes in you too. what could be wrong with that?
Monday, February 19, 2007
eye contact: my kryptonite
ometimes in our haste to forget the past and prove to ourselves that we are, in fact, capable of forming friendships and lasting bonds... we move too fast and forget the past and ruin the present in the process.
i'm guilty of this indiscretion. regret is something i have grown used to but the feeling doesnt get any more appealing. i'll listen to You next time, God. I definitely heard your warning from day one, and i just wouldn't listen. it's embarassing to be this predictable.
and so the search continues, Dear Soulmate, though tonight i'm not sure i want to find you. i think i'd rather not even believe you exist. that way, if you do and i discover you in the eyes of a stranger, i'll be pleasantly surprised.
here's the catch:
based on the behaviour i've displayed in the last few weeks, i will no longer be open to the idea of meeting ANY one ANY where in person. it's just not gonna fucking happen. i know my weaknesses and my tendencies and i'm not gonna go that route.
it's become painfully obvious that no one will ever know me if they see me face to face. i sat and stared at my reflection today debating a scar, a mark, something to ruin what God gave me. i dont care how this sounds. my face and body were useful when i was a teenager modelling. but i'm not a model anymore. and i'm not a young girl anymore. i've grown weary of the superficiality that surrounds me. my own vanity. all of it, pointless. gets in the way of what i really, truly, want. to know and be known. that's it. that's all i'm after. i'd rather exchange emails for an eternity than wonder if my appeal lies in who i am inside or how i look outside.
i'm done. i've tried and failed, tried and failed, and every time the problems begin once i meet their eyes. eye contact has always been a deciding factor for me. now i recognize it as a weakness and breaking point.
when all you are and all you could ever be lies in the eyes of your email's recipient, how can you ever expect to obtain true happiness? this is me, this is all i know how to be. i am a mood-swinging entry in a blog or two. i am a broken/run-on sentence. i'm several typos and a few spelling errors. i'm numerous contradictions and lofty aspirations. i'm nothing more than the words of a girl who has always known she'd end up this way: a hopelessly hopeful soul waiting for the right pair of eyes to discover her within the pages of a tattered notebook or a well-used blog.
when you know you will never experience life with the sensation of a hand in your own, you cant help but feel wistful. saddened. and, more often than not, defective. why not me? why am i incapable of something as basic as socializing? why do i put so much importance in eye contact? and why, knowing full well how important eye contact is to me, do i continue to fucking do it? why do i ruin things by insisting to myself that i can handle it?
so incredibly disappointed in myself for all of this. finally, something great, a chance to have a friend, to know and be known, to at least rid myself of this lingering shadow of lonliness... and what do i do? the one thing i knew would fuck it up.
i've become an expert at self-sabotage. it's a wonder i've made it anywhere.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
am i really this desperate?
i'm looking into becoming an egg donor. i can get up to $10,000 for it. i desperately need the money. i have almost $3000 to pay off in 4 months.
the question is can i survive giving myself daily injections for two months?
i'm the girl who had to be tied down to receive anesthesia to get my wisdom teeth removed.
is it worth it?
Friday, January 26, 2007
but mostly irritated.
if you walk away, i'll walk away
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